


Like There's No Tomorrow

by LanternJawedStudmuffin



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Depression, Drinking, Drowning, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Past Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Oral Sex, Party, Reunion Sex, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-08-23 09:09:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8322181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LanternJawedStudmuffin/pseuds/LanternJawedStudmuffin
Summary: Riku left Destiny Islands when he was barely a teenager, thinking his life would begin. It's fitting, that he should end it back where he came from.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was for a prompt we received a _while_ ago (Sorry it took so long!) that we intend on making into a multichapter fic. Which is why it took so long, because we've been discussing and planning for a while, as this is somewhat of an interpretation of the prompt:
> 
> Sora and Riku meet at a party after years of separation, and have some sexy times.
> 
> So, apologies for the delay, and we hope it's along the lines of what you wanted!

It took Riku hours just to make up his mind. Did he want to drink, before he went? Drink at the party? Drink at _all?_ Should he cancel? Was there a point to going? Did it matter whether or not there was a point, now that he'd come to this?

Connecting with old friends was an unintended side-effect of returning to Destiny Islands. He'd only come back because it'd felt... like the right thing. The way to give his miserable life symmetry, to make it feel complete. So he could die without regrets.

So he could kill himself without regrets.

Word had reached Kairi that he was back before he'd even reached his motel – word traveled fast. Delighted, she'd called and squealed and gushed and demanded to know why he hadn't told them ahead of time that he was going to be visiting. They hadn't seen each other since he was a young teen, after all, not since he'd outgrown the little islands and left in pursuit of _more_.

Joke was on him. Looking for more just took away what little he'd had. Hollowed him out until there was nothing left of Riku but dark, dank nothing.

Kairi had invited him to a party she was throwing tomorrow night. Invited… and practically begged. Put on the spot, he'd said yes.

Last night, the only decision he'd had to make was whether or not to spurn the invitation by slitting his arteries in advance. He'd decided that one more day wouldn't make a difference, and to put it off. Having come to _tonight_ , though, he had to figure out the plan in no uncertain terms.

Which finally brought him to the choice of what to wear, and then he was off. Walking along the beach and taking the 'scenic route', feet guiding him almost without him being aware of putting one in front of the other. He still knew Destiny Islands like the back of his hand, and gave himself time to wander. He hoped just seeing would be enough to recapture the feeling of 'home'.

It felt like he reached the grand old house too soon. Riku could see distinctive red hair, and self-consciously pushed the rolled sleeves of his unbuttoned dress shirt up higher. He'd put more effort than needed into looking casual, not wanting to tip anyone off to the idea that something was wrong.

Welcoming guests by the door, Kairi brightened when she spotted him. She'd kept his appearance at the party a secret (partly in case he didn't show, and partly because it was a fantastic surprise if and when he did).

“Riku!”

“Hey, Kairi,” he flashed a smile as he approached the door, as easy as lying. This _was_ easy – Riku's life had been little more than lies for years, now.

She started forward for a hug, but hesitated. Clearly, she wasn't sure if he needed some personal space until he warmed to his old friends, and the truth was that he did. He hugged her, anyway, and Kairi's arms squeezed him joyfully tight.

“You look great,” Riku informed her. “Pictures don't do you justice.”

She laughed softly. “Are you kidding? Look at you. You're twice as tall as the last time I saw you.”

Really, he _was_ pleased to see Kairi. He was, and he hated that it was already feeling exhausting, having to smile for her.

“When I was thirteen? I'd hope so.”

“Okay, good point,” she amended, leading him farther inside. “So, I kind of kept it to myself that I was inviting you here tonight, but there are some people here you'll _definitely_ want to see.”

“That so?” He didn't expect her to be wrong, but he wasn't sure how to muster real enthusiasm for anything or anyone. She took him by the hand to bring him inside, weaving around and greeting people whose faces, unnervingly, he couldn't place.

Finding people who recognized Riku wasn't at all difficult, though. In a fervent discussion with Wakka about which Blitzball team he was favoring as their up-and-coming rivals, Tidus was interrupted by a light smack against his arm.

“Hey! Look who it is,” Wakka announced with audible surprise. His voice carried to Selphie, whose gasp turned into an excited little squeal.

“Whoa!” Tidus turned and did a double-take. “Riku!”

“It's been ages, ya?” Wakka parted the crowd with the accumulating posse of old friends, clasping Riku's free hand in his own. “What happened to 'don't be a stranger'?”

Riku shook his hand, then Tidus's. “Guess I got caught up.”

“Oh my gosh, you're so-...” Selphie gushed, and shot a significant glance at Kairi. “Wow, you grew up.”

Tidus groaned. “Doesn't seem fair. I'm jealous, man.”

“Bet you left some broken hearts behind, with all the traveling,” Wakka snorted good-naturedly.

He wished Selphie would stop looking at him like that. “I wouldn't say that. Besides... I heard you two went pro.”

Wakka drew himself up proudly. “The Aurochs, best Blitzballers around, ya?”

“You'll be my hero if you get them to talk about _anything_ but Blitzball,” Selphie affectionately teased.

“How about you all tell me about everything else you've been up to,” Riku suggested, but he wasn't sure why he cared. The conversation, short and pleasant as it'd been so far, already felt like it was dragging for him.

“We'd love to, but we should really have all of us together before we get into that,” Kairi recommended, one of her arms wrapping around Riku's. “Come on, there's someone else who's going to be thrilled to see you.”

“You mean we have other friends who haven't left Destiny Islands at the first opportunity?”

Kairi nudged him. “There's people who leave and come back more than every ten years.”

He wished he hadn't said that. He'd spoken without thinking, and he was pretty sure he'd come off as a huge jerk as a result. “Right,” was all Riku could say without making an idiot of himself.

At least this wouldn't matter, by tomorrow.

Kairi led him into the living room and found exactly the sort of scene she expected – a small crowd amassed around the sofa, where a bushy-haired brunette stood above them on the furniture and animatedly recounted some story to his fellow partygoers.

Riku almost stopped dead in his tracks. Sora looked... almost exactly like he imagined he would. Maybe the _tiniest_ bit taller. Tanned, fit, and with hair that was beyond help...

He wondered if Sora had traveled as much as he wanted to, when they were younger. He wondered if Sora still liked exploring and climbing up trees and onto high places.

Cupping a hand to her mouth, Kairi called his name. Sora froze in the midst of some complex gesture and looked her way, his arms falling limply to his sides. The shock melted off his face within seconds, though, to be replaced by a huge grin.

There was no preamble. Sora jumped down off the couch, parted the crowd as he bounded forward, and wrapped Riku in the tightest hug.

Riku stumbled and caught him, sounding more winded than he was. “Sora...”

“Oh, man, I can't believe it's you.” Sora's voice was muffled against his shoulder. It was so much deeper than Riku remembered... but that only made sense.

His best friend throughout his entire childhood... His first crush, his first 'boyfriend'. Riku only had one more night to live, and he'd enjoy whatever he could of this reunion. One arm wrapping firmly around his waist, he exhaled and said, “Me neither.”

After a moment of basking, Sora drew back and looked up at him critically. “Wait a second... How tall are you?”

“Uh...” Riku was momentarily at a loss.

“Hard to tell, but... Definitely taller than you, Sora,” Kairi announced, scrutinizing the two of them. “Sorry.”

Sora frowned. “I thought maybe after that huge growth spurt I had in tenth grade...”

Riku started to smirk. “I couldn't stop competing with you just because I'd gone.”

Sora stared in disbelief, then started to laugh. “'Course not. Should never have let my guard down.”

“Aside from the height, though, looks like you haven't changed a bit,” Riku observed. He wasn't surprised, but he also wasn't displeased.

“Heh,” Sora sheepishly rubbed his neck. “You got me there.”

“What about you, Riku? Traveling all over must have had some impact on you,” said Kairi.

He shrugged one shoulder, and lied without feeling. “Nah. I'm pretty much the same as when I left... But with a little less wanderlust.”

Sora snorted. “So in other words, I could still beat you in a fight.”

“Still, I want to hear about everything,” Kairi cut off any retort Riku might've had. “Like, what was high school like for you? I bet you have a bunch of friends who'd be too cool to hang out with us.”

Riku thought of his fellow high school students, the ones he didn't talk to. Thought of a confident, condescending smile. Of the long nights and skipped morning classes.

“No one really worth talking about. I wound up moving a lot through high school, so any friends I made weren't ones I had for long.” He realized quickly that he didn't want to go down this road. “I'd rather hear about you guys.”

If Kairi was disappointed in his answer, she graciously did not show it. “Well, not much you couldn't guess. The islands don't really change.”

“Come on, there are _some_ good stories,” Sora nudged her. She grinned, several springing to mind.

“Okay, yeah, but we should all sit down somewhere if we're going to get into that.”

Riku hardly listened. He was staring at Sora again, studying his face with a glimmer of both envy and admiration. In all the important ways, he really _hadn't_ changed at all – open and sunny and genuine, all the time. Adulthood hadn't hollowed him out.

“Cool,” Sora agreed. “Where d'you want to go?”

“Hm, couch _is_ kind of busy right now... We could go to my room,” Kairi suggested, glancing at Riku to see if he was comfortable with that. “It'd be quieter.”

“Quieter is good.” Riku could hear Tidus and Wakka bickering about Blitzball plays.

“Sure thing. Oh – do you guys want anything to drink? I almost forgot.”

“I'm alright,” Riku responded automatically.

“I'll take a drink!” Sora shrugged and looked at Riku with a somewhat mischievous grin on his face. “Why not, right?”

… Why _not?_

“On second thought... Good point. I'll take one.”

“That sounds like the Riku we know,” Kairi laughed.

“Mostly.” Sora elbowed him lightly in the ribs. “I think the time away loosened you up a bit.”

Kairi grinned. “I'll get them, you two go ahead. If you don't remember where my room is, Sora'll show you. Just ignore the sign.”

“Lead the way,” Riku smirked, but his mind was elsewhere completely. He wondered who 'the Riku they knew' even was.

“This way,” Sora prompted, and took his arm without a second thought. He took them down the hall to a door marked 'Out of Bounds' by a single sheet of printer paper. It was just as well that he didn't let Riku go; he was watching Sora more than where he was going.

“I wasn't sure if you'd ever be the type to drink,” Riku commented.

Sora pushed the door open and ushered Riku inside hastily before someone could tell them off, shutting the sounds of the party out with the door. “I don't ever drink _much_ , but I'm old enough now. What'd you think – I'd be a kid forever?” He said it with a laugh, not meaning to be accusatory.

“You were just always so _innocent_. You thought being boyfriends was just the next stop up from best friends.”

Sora was vaguely surprised that Riku brought that up right away. “Geez, is that so hard to believe?”

Riku snorted. “Yes.”

“Well, fine. But you didn't used to think that.”

“I guess time away opened my eyes while it was busy loosening me up.” Once again, Riku spoke without thinking, but didn't feel particularly guilty for it this time. He idly inspected Kairi's room, comparing it to the version he knew from childhood sleepovers and finding it to be essentially the same. All of the furniture and trinkets from her youth were still there under the surface layer of her adult life.

He picked up a careworn star-shaped pillow that Kairi had had since they first met. “... It's weird... I expected the Islands to change more, while I was away. I was kind of afraid it'd feel like a completely different world.”

Sora had frowned slightly at Riku's mild snipe, but it didn't last and gave way to laughter. “Nah. Turns out it was just like our parents said – things change slower on the Islands.”

“Who'd have thought...” Riku approached the bed and hesitated, unsure whether or not he was allowed to sit. Sora, however, dropped onto it without a hitch.

“It's kind of weird, actually, but now that you're here, it's like I can't feel the time you were gone.”

Another thing to envy. Riku sat down with him. “Fill me in on the last few years, and it'll be like I never left.”

“'Course,” Sora beamed. “But you have to tell us about all the places you've been, too.”

The door opened then, Kairi prying it with her elbow and her hip, as her hands were occupied balancing three cups. “Hope you're good with alcoholic fruit punch, because it's all I know how to make.”

Grinning at her, Riku got up to take two cups off her hands. “You guys first,” he replied to Sora over his shoulder.

Getting comfortable, Sora and Kairi begrudgingly consented to start off the storytelling, only to quickly get caught up in reminiscence. Tales snowballed as one thing would remind them of another – the time Selphie did this, when Wakka did that, when Sora found this, and when Kairi said that. Sometimes the words barely came through the laughter, and all the while, Riku just smiled.

It was a false smile. The kind that was automatic, plastic, fond on the surface only. In truth, every story just gouged at the hole inside him – deeper, a little deeper.

It was too late to regret ever leaving, but he did wonder... Would he be like this if he had fond memories to look back on? Ones that weren't tainted by bitterness?

Kairi wound up dragging out a heavy photo album that featured her life from birth to present, kept by her grandmother for years and years. Flipping through, she found the period in which Riku was still in the pictures, stopping at their middle school graduation.

“I still have my middle school 'diploma' somewhere...” Riku took a swig of his drink and scoffed at his younger self, who looked very irritable in his tiny suit. “Weird to think I left the day after this.”

“We don't look like we even know you're leaving, in these...” Sora's grin was a little sad, nostalgia starting to turn on him.

“I remember that day so clearly, though,” Kairi murmured.

“Yeah...” Strangely, that was a lie. Riku found the memory kind of hard to grasp, only recalling an empty and lonely throb in his chest. It should have been a sign.

Kairi grinned knowingly. “I also remember you two holding hands and sneaking off to say your goodbyes alone.”

Sora went a light shade of pink. “Oh my god, Kairi, I've told you everything that happened a million times. And it was nothing. We didn't even kiss.”

Riku also felt some heat in his cheeks. “I'm surprised you thought there was anything to tell. You know we weren't serious about the whole... You know.”

“I know. You were kids.” She tilted her head, musing. “And you did your relationship backwards. You'd already been married.”

Sora snorted. “Yeah, when we were five. And I'd just married you the day before, and you married Riku the day after.”

“I recall you taking those _very_ seriously,” Riku reminded him.

“Well, duh.”

“Then are we still married?”

“We never got _divorced_ ,” Sora said, as though that was obvious.

“It's a sacred union,” Kairi agreed sagely. “All three of them. Huh, I'll have to tell my girlfriend.”

Riku did the subtlest of double-takes. “You're dating someone?”

“Didn't I mention? It's not someone you'd know, she moved here after you left...”

“I would've guessed you two would end up together,” he eyed Sora briefly, and Kairi followed his gaze.

“Us? Oh, no.”

Sora shrugged. “We tried it for a bit in high school, but, uh... I'm not quite Kairi's type.”

“Apparently.” Riku felt a little bad for presuming. “Well... I hope she knows how lucky she is to have you. Even if you did cheat on your husbands,” he added with a smirk.

“We forgive you,” Sora nodded.

“Aw, Riku. I don't know what to say.”

“Don't mention it,” he waved a hand and finished off his glass.

To his surprise, Kairi's eyes were a bit dewy, and her smile extraordinarily genuine. “I don't know, it's just... it means a lot for you to say that, after all this time. I'm so glad you're back, and... oh gosh, I'm getting emotional now.”

“I get it,” Sora agreed, wrapping an arm around her.

Riku sat in flustered silence, stunned that she still cared so much. That they _both_ cared so much. It had been a decade – surely they _shouldn't_ feel so attached, still.

Brushing off Sora's arm after a moment, Kairi got to her feet. “I should check on the rest of the party. What kind of host am I if I stay in here the entire time?”

“Oh, yeah – sure.” Riku had no desire to rejoin the party, anymore.

“You guys can stay here if you want,” Kairi offered. “There's no rush to come back out, and no one will bug you in here.”

“I'll go back in a while, maybe,” Riku shrugged one shoulder. Sora remained seated, determining that he could at least spend a few more minutes with Riku before going back to socialize.

“Sure, no problem.” Kairi smiled at them both and saw herself out, closing the door once again.

They were alone, again, and the atmosphere had changed.

Riku glanced at Sora, considering. Back when he'd left and they'd said their goodbyes, they had hugged each other _so tight_ that Riku liked to think his ribs still bore the bruises. It was as they'd told Kairi, though – they hadn't kissed, back then. Not once.

He wished that he had.

Catching the expression on Riku's face, Sora became oddly flustered. “So... d'you want to look at more pictures?”

“Not really.” Riku turned towards him. It felt like the first honest thing he'd said, and it refreshed him a little. He had nothing to lose, anymore. “Did you ever wish you'd kissed me?”

“You mean, like, when we were kids?” Sora's eyes darted around the room. “... Sure. I loved you back then.”

“Want to, now?”

His gaze snapped right back to Riku, eyebrows flying up. “Uh...”

Sitting back, Riku's eyes started to stray from Sora as he noted, uncomfortably, that this wouldn't be the way he'd do this if he planned on living past tomorrow. “Assuming you don't have a secret girlfriend like Kairi.”

“No,” Sora said quickly, “no, I haven't got anyone like that.” He laughed, bashfully. “I never really dated anyone for long before one of us decided we were better off as friends.”

“Yeah...? Why not?”

Sora shrugged. “I don't mind much. But, if you wanna kiss, I'd want to...”

Riku was simultaneously surprised that it was as easy as asking, and not surprised at all given his ready acceptance back into their little trio. He put all thoughts out of his head (as well as he could do) and leaned over the album, drawing Sora in with one hand sliding over his jaw.

He barely tasted the fruit punch. All Riku noticed was that Sora was sweet, as their lips met. Sora grinned into the kiss, letting himself reflect back on how many times he'd thought about what kissing Riku would be like, and smile felt like an invitation to deepen it.

There was a flash of bitter amusement – he was kissing Sora, and it was still a goodbye kiss even if he didn't know it – but then he focused on Sora's mouth again, settling into the rhythm of their tongues.

Sora reached over the album to rest a hand on Riku's shoulder, balancing himself so he could respond deeper. Riku's thumb ran back and forth over his jaw, his hand eventually making it's way up into his hair.

“Mm...”

The sound was sudden and loud from Sora's open mouth, and it caught Riku off guard. The kiss was accidentally broken.

It provided an opportunity to move the album, though, as Sora realized how close they'd gotten to each other. He pulled back to set it aside, watched closely by Riku.

If this went any further than kissing, would Riku be using him? This couldn't go anywhere. He'd be dead, soon.

“So... that was pretty cool,” Sora scooted closer to him.

Riku grinned faintly. “Agreed...”

“I'm kind of surprised you're so cool with it,” Sora remarked. “I know we weren't _really_ boyfriends back then, but I remember you wanting to keep it a secret.”

“It's still not a _regular_ thing... Me and guys.” Riku looked away, not sure this was the time to talk about this sort of thing. “There was one I saw casually, for a while, but... it's not like... us. Obviously – that was stupid, we were kids...”

Sora tried to follow his gaze. “You wanna talk about him?”

“Not really. He wasn't important enough in my life to talk about.”

He changed Riku's life. He awakened Riku to all the parts of himself that he hated. The things that'd always been there, but he hadn't known he should be ashamed of.

“Oh,” Sora frowned a little. “Okay, never mind.”

“Which is... I mean... Not like you.” Riku paused. “You never stopped being part of who I am. I'd think about you during the weirdest times... I'd wonder how you'd deal with whatever situation I was in, or if you still liked certain sports or if I could beat your grade if you were taking the same class...”

Sora laughed. “I did the same thing... Except I always knew you'd have better grades than me.”

Riku smirked and hid the twinge of bitterness well. “You're right about that. Point is, I'm cool with this. Whatever this is.”

“So... does that mean you want to kiss again?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, me too,” Sora said eagerly, putting a hand on Riku's leg. He didn't need any more of an invitation than that – Riku kissed him again and deepened it right off the bat. Sora made another muffled sound, catching up to his intensity with ease.

Hands running down Sora's arms, Riku drew him in a little more and sucked on his lower lip, obviously gaining his approval if the squeeze of his knee was anything to go by. Sora began to knead up his leg gently, encouraged by Riku's teasing tongue.

“Mn-...” Without thinking, Sora was beginning to shift in a way that invited Riku on top of him, and he wasn't going to turn that offer down. He wound up lying back somewhat awkwardly with his legs still dangling off the bed's edge, but that didn't bother him. He wound his arms around Riku's back and let his legs get tangled between his.

Riku was giving the occasional light suck to Sora's lip or tongue – whatever was easy in the moment – making him twitch up against him. One hand drifted up to Riku's hair cautiously but quickly wound through the silky strands. Sora would've been embarrassed to admit it, but he'd fantasized about touching it again for years. His tongue met Riku's and started to explore thoroughly, and Riku was sinking against him and Sora could feel hard muscle -

This was moving along fast. Sora was kind of stunned by just _how_ bold they were becoming... but he certainly wasn't complaining. Still, was this really happening? And could he have _more?_

Riku only slid up when he wanted to touch more, gently tilting Sora's chin up and mapping him out with fingers over his chest. Lips dragged down over his throat, and Sora leaned his head back farther to encourage that.

He wanted to know where this was going, but he didn't want to interrupt and ask just yet.

Sora moaned sharply when Riku mouthed over particularly sensitive nerves, prompting him to suck a bit more firmly to entice some more sound out of him. Riku was starting to really love how clear Sora made it when he liked something; he'd started to squirm as the pleasure didn't let up, and he was starting to get hard. Riku was, too... and only just starting to remember they were on _Kairi's bed_.

“Riku...?” Sora brought his head up a little, breathing a little quick.

Giving another light knead to his chest and kissing the faint mark he just made, Riku began to sit up. “Yeah...?”

“Do you, like, want to do more of this...?”

“I have a hotel room.”

Sora was hit with a small thrill at the confirmation that they were _definitely_ thinking the same thing. “You want to? You're sure?”

Exhaling heavily, Riku sat up and brought Sora with him. “Normally, I'd do this... properly, dating and getting to know each other again, but... Fuck, yes, I want to.”

Naturally, Sora assumed he meant they'd start doing all those things after tonight. “I'm okay with it if you are.”

Riku stole a brief kiss. “I'll go whenever you want to.”

He couldn't have hoped for a better reply. Lighting up, Sora said, “I should tell Kairi we're going, but I can meet you at the door.”

“Sure,” Riku grinned, standing up and straightening out his clothes. Sora brushed down his front quickly and called that good enough, and Riku got the door for him before doubling back to smooth Kairi's comforter.

Sora was walking a bit funny to conceal what was between his legs. It gave Riku a small prickle of pride.

He ignored Tidus when he was called to, hoping to give everyone the slip and simply go. However, Sora took the opposite route, saying goodbye to everyone who stopped him and wishing them a good rest of the party. He disappeared to seek out Kairi and told her they were leaving, enduring the ensuing teasing with sheepish glee.

“Ready to go?” Sora asked when he showed up at the door several minutes later.

“Yeah.”

They grinned at each other and made their way outside, the night air crisp without being cold. Sora waited until they were clear of the house before speaking. “So, I guess you're not staying too long if you've just got a hotel...”

“I... haven't planned for a long stay.”

Sora's face fell a little. “That's too bad... I guess that's why we're not waiting, huh?”

“... Partly. I really don't know what's coming next, for me.”

It wasn't the truth, but it wasn't a lie. He couldn't just flat-out lie to Sora.

“... Did you ever think about coming back to stay?” Sora inquired, tentative with hope.

“A few times...”

Sora nodded. “If you ever wanted to... I know it's not that exciting, but it is _home_.”

“... We'll see.” Damn it. Damn it, he couldn't just lie.

“I really missed you,” Sora grinned, encouraged. “We all did.”

“I missed you... Kairi and everyone, but, especially you,” he confessed.

“We were best friends. I don't think that connection ever really goes away.”

“Best friends and almost-boyfriends.”

“Well, yeah,” Sora smiled. “But even if that part hadn't happened, you'd still be one the most important people to me.”

“... I know. Thank you.” The words just kind of... left him. He hadn't really meant to say that, and Riku wondered if that'd sounded odd.

“You don't have to thank me,” Sora grinned a wider, lopsided grin.

Riku just shook his head. He couldn't express what it was he was really thankful for.

Abruptly, Sora stopped walking. “I just realized -”

“Huh-?”

“If we're gonna go further than we did back at the party, I don't have stuff for that on me,” Sora disclosed. Riku faltered as it dawned on him that he was equally unprepared.

“... We could make a really embarrassing pit stop at a pharmacy.”

“We probably should...” Sora rubbed the back of his neck, then grabbed Riku's hand. “I know one we can get to quick.”

His hand was warm.

“Lead the way.”

  


* * *

  


The box of condoms and bottle of store-brand lube were pretty visible through the thin plastic bag swinging from Riku's arm. In different circumstances, he would have wanted to keep such things more private, but it just... didn't seem to matter, this time. Sora had blushed when they were at the counter, but any sense of embarrassment had evaporated once they'd escaped the judgment of the cashier.

Now the pink tinge to his cheeks was from giddiness and breathlessness, as he talked a mile a minute about everything more Riku had missed – high school sports stories, especially. He was outlining his final Struggle match of the tournament he participated in senior year when Riku unlocked his hotel room door. He launched inside and threw himself on the bed for story-telling emphasis.

“It was like that! Only the guy didn't bounce.”

“Would've been harder to beat him if he did,” Riku grinned, tossing the bag onto the bed and letting the door shut behind him. Sora rolled towards him when Riku joined him on the bed, a little out of breath, and smiled gently when he met his eyes. Riku gently pushed Sora's hair back and away from his face.

“Seems stupid to ask if you really want this when we just bought condoms,” Riku murmured.

Sora laughed. “My answer hasn't changed.”

“I figured.” Riku moved down to kiss him. An arm slid around his waist and Sora returned it lightly, setting the tone as a slower one. He still deepened it, but languidly. They had as much time as they wanted.

Pulling himself closer, Sora slid one knee up between Riku's, emboldening their touches. Riku's hand slid down Sora's body to get a good feel of every part in reach – he was really liking the muscle he'd put on...

Slow was actually on its way out, actually. They were falling back into their previous passionate rhythm, heating up faster now that they both knew it was _allowed_. Riku shifted and climbed over him again, evoking a soft moan as Sora willingly rolled back and wound his arms around him. There was only enough room between them for Riku's hands to move, sliding Sora's shirt up just to be able to touch. He didn't remove it just yet; neither of them wanted to stop kissing long enough to allow it.

Hoping to draw a reaction, Sora pushed his leg up to press against Riku's growing erection, and he hadn't been prepared for that level of boldness.

“Mn-...”

Riku sucked sharply at his tongue in reflex, giving Sora exactly what he'd wanted. His groan vibrated against Riku's entire being, and just having Sora's leg there stirred up heat faster. Subtly, he let himself grind against Sora as he sat up to finish removing his shirt.

It wasn't so subtle, in actuality. Sora pushed himself up to assist but kept his legs more or less where they were, grinding back.

Eyes roved over Sora and words tumbled out. “You did a good job with that whole... growing up...”

Mercifully, Sora didn't mock him for his eloquence. “Thanks,” he grinned. “I literally spent my whole life working on it.”

Riku snorted, and unknowingly responded to Sora's current greatest desire – his curiosity to see how much Riku had filled out under his clothes was burning at him, and Riku was kind enough to start pulling his shirt up over his head. Sora's eyes followed the path of the hem.

“... Okay, I'm a little jealous.”

“You don't need to be,” Riku told him, hands returning to massage down Sora's chest. “You're gorgeous.”

“I'm glad you think so,” Sora's eyes briefly closed, basking in his enjoyment. “You look-... uh, never mind.”

Riku smirked. “I'm guessing you like how I look?”

“You look like you do in dreams I have sometimes,” Sora blurted. Riku went red, but not nearly as red as Sora.

“Huh. Really?”

“I didn't meant to say that!”

“You dream about me?” Riku was both amused and flattered, though the guilt-ridden part of him wondered if those dreams would be the same, after...

“Sometimes! Not only you! Other people...”

That sufficiently distracted him, and Riku frowned. “Huh...”

Sora looked mortified. “Can I kiss you or do something so I stop talking?”

Swiftly leaning down, Riku obliged him and Sora pushed himself firmly into the kiss, willing the memory of the last ten seconds out of existence. Riku didn't actually let the kiss go on for long, though, sitting up again to unzip his jeans.

Well, _that_ was one way to bring the atmosphere back around to the heady need they'd experienced back in Kairi's room. Breathing a little uneven, Sora's eyes flickered down to Riku's half-hard cock as his jeans were slid down his hips. Quickly, Sora shifted back to start wriggling his own pants down, which Riku was happy to help with. He looked Sora over with a grin, and was pulled into another kiss as Sora rolled onto his knees, pleased.

They'd progressed too far too fast to go slow _now_ , and Riku desperately wanted to move _faster_. This should be going slower, though... Nicer, as good as Sora deserved. One hand had threaded through his hair again, Sora angling his head gently to get a better angle.

“ _Mm_...” Sora sighed blissfully when Riku's bare hips rocked against him, and he broke the hot kiss to trail his fingers down Riku's chest.

He sat up a little more. “You got anything in mind?”

“One thing.” Sora's hand went lower, sliding back on the bed as he did so, and Riku shifted onto his side to give him room. His hand slid over Riku's leg, massaging as Sora lowered himself to press kisses along the lines of muscle between his hips. Riku almost shivered, sinking back while Sora began palming between his legs.

He felt like he should be taking control, in this situation. Riku ought to have been focusing on Sora's pleasure, not surrendering to his own... But if this was really the last thing he was ever going to do, he might as well lie back and let it happen.

Sora glanced up at him with a grin, hit once more with the awareness that this was really happening, and guided Riku's arousal to his lips. It shot heat straight down Riku's spine, and he bit back a groan – Sora was looking up at him, blue eyes beautiful and fogged, while he worked kisses over the tip.

Riku didn't think he'd ever been harder. He forgot how to breathe. “You look amazing... You're amazing...”

Smiling with his lips still against the length, Sora parted them to circle the crown with his tongue. Riku melted back against the bed and ran a hand gently through Sora's hair, stirring little jolts of pride in Sora with every reaction. He hummed his contentment, creating light vibration which made Riku groan quietly. His nails ghosted across his scalp, just hard enough to feel _very_ nice.

“ _Mn_.” Sora leaned forward to take him gradually into his mouth, and determined to show off, he didn't stop until he'd swallowed Riku to the very back of his throat.

“Hn-...” Riku had to force his hips still. “ _God_ , Sora, you're good at this...”

A pleased sound vibrated around his cock, and Sora's hand returned to his thigh to knead firmly. Riku was buzzing, shuddering, his sigh long and loud.

“Nngh...”

Drawing back until just the tip was in his mouth, Sora's fingers wrapped around the base just-tightly enough for it to be felt. Then he began to move it together with his mouth, building his pace gradually, and the only way for Riku to prevent his hips from arching was to sit up and watch.

His eyes were closed in concentration, little sounds sometimes escaping when he pulled back, and he was so gorgeous Riku couldn't stand it. He stroked Sora's hair, breathing out words, “I can't believe I get to see you like this... You're so much hotter than I even pictured...”

Almost swelling with the praise, Sora's cheeks burned as he hollowed them around Riku's cock.

“ _Nn_...”

He sucked a moment longer before needing to ease off slightly, drawing back to the head and stroking as his tongue dragged through the slit.

“I want to kiss you,” Riku groaned. “I want to do everything to you...”

Sora pulled back, grin turning devilish. “We've got all night, don't we?”

Hand running through Sora's hair again, Riku almost laughed. “Yeah, we do...”

Indulgently, Sora nuzzled his hand before tilting his head the other way and teasing Riku with little flicks of his tongue. Sitting up, hands slipped away to roam along Sora's bare shoulders and back instead, and Riku's breathing was unsteady. Sora's eyes had flickered up to watch him again, totally caught up in making him react and wanting nothing more.

Riku tried to sound more in control than he was. “Getting close...”

That didn't seem like a reason to stop. Swallowing him deeper, Sora sucked as his thumb stroked up the underside.

He couldn't hold on much longer – he was on the brink. Then he realized he didn't have to. “ _Sora_...”

Loving the sound of his name like that, Sora moaned, and that was as much as Riku could take. He gave the lightest push to urge Sora back but couldn't give him any more warning, moaning low and long as orgasm flooded him. The moment the bitter-salt hit Sora's tongue he pulled back to the tip, sucking gently through his peak and swallowing. He gasped softly for breath and wiped his lips on the back of his hand.

Riku felt a little high. Running his hands through Sora's hair again, he leaned in and kissed hungrily along his jaw. If he drew things out, he could prepare Sora and fuck him by the time his erection bounced back...

Grinning, Sora tilted his head and climbed over his lap, arching his hips and whimpering when Riku wrapped a hand around his cock.

“Ah, Riku...”

Humming against his throat, his hand glided up and down the shaft. “Grab me the lube?”

Sora was briefly disoriented, needing a second to remember where it was. “Oh, yeah...” He had to slide over him to reach the spilling-open bag. Riku's lips went to his shoulder, sucking again with something like a groan.

“You're so sexy... It's _weird_.”

Sitting back up, Sora raised his eyebrows. “It's weird?”

“I used to give you wet willies,” Riku snickered, and nipped his earlobe. Sora squirmed.

“Why would you do that right after saying that?!”

Riku sucked on it in wordless response, and Sora melted into him with a shiver. His tongue ran up along the shell, and Riku murmured, “Lube?”

“Mm, got it...” Reluctantly, Sora drew away to pick up the bottle he'd almost forgotten and handed it over.

“Thanks.” Taking the bottle, he popped open the cap and gave the bottle a squeeze to slick his hand. Sora's arms slid around Riku's neck, flooded with affection and kind of inviting more of what he was just doing. Gently nipping his jaw, Riku began stroking him – slow, but not to tease, figuring out the feel of him. Sora's hands returned to his hair and twirled it around his fingers, nearly tugging when Riku's thumb ran along the frenulum.

Starting to find a pace to rock into Riku's hand, Sora was allowed to set his own pace while Riku focused mostly on nipping Sora's earlobe again.

Sora's inhale was sharp, almost a squeak. “So, it's not weird that I like that, right?”

“Mm... No.”

“Nn, good...” More enthusiastically, Sora kept grinding into his hand. Riku took the soft flesh between his teeth and rolled it before sucking, making Sora twitch and move his hips more urgently. Readjusting his hand, Riku took over the motion and stroked him properly, fast, and Sora became characteristically vocal. His moans were frequent and loud, reawakening Riku's arousal.

“I want to be inside you,” Riku murmured, strokes getting faster and smoother. “Is that okay?”

Grabbing at him with more need, Sora had wrapped himself around Riku. He had difficulty answering between hitches of breath, and eventually he had to settle for a vigorous nod.

“I'm gonna lie you down...”

“Okay,” he agreed breathlessly, allowing Riku to direct him but doing as much of the moving as his shaky legs allowed. Riku prompted them apart by kneeling between them, picking up the lube again.

Wide-eyed and straining with arousal, Sora willingly opened them around him and watched Riku slick his fingers.

“Nn, Riku... Not too much, okay?” he urged as Riku replaced the other hand around his cock.

“I wouldn't hurt you.”

“No, I mean... If you keep doing that I won't be able to keep going very long.”

“Oh...” Flushed, Riku smirked and reached down to trace one slick finger around his entrance. “We have all night. Remember?”

“Well yeah, but-... nn, don't want to slow down for this...”

Gradually drawing his hand off Sora's erection, Riku began to press the single digit in slowly. Tensing at the initial pressure, Sora let his body relax and the discomfort faded quickly.

Carelessly, Riku wiped his hand off on the covers, the other one focused on finding his prostate. “Okay?”

“Nn-...!” Sora arched; he'd found the right spot. “Bit more than okay...”

“Only a 'bit'?” He gave a slow rotation of his finger. Sora's words were lost amidst a groan. Absorbed in his expressions, Riku was a little more focused on his prostate than stretching him, and he was squirming under the attentions in only moments.

“Are you impatient already?”

“Ngh, kind of, yeah... I'm not used to waiting this long, okay?”

Riku rocked his finger into him, unhurried. “Someone missed out, then. You're cute when you're impatient.”

Sora reddened. “If you think that's gonna distract me -”

Shifting over him, Riku kissed him soundly. In some part of his head that wasn't accepting that Riku had successfully distracted him (and that was _totally_ okay with it), Sora was a little surprised that Riku was willing to kiss him after he'd had his mouth on him, but all the better. He kissed back with more heat than before and Riku matched it.

The arousal coiled in his abdomen and his cock twitched. Riku was certain he'd never gotten hard again so quickly.

He knew Sora was ready for a second when he started to rock back urgently onto his finger. Relaxing a little at the comforting stretch of his opening, Sora buried his hands in Riku's hair and kneaded at his scalp, enjoying being stretched as Riku scissored them, twisted them, and pressed them to his g-spot at every opportunity.

Sora's cock was throbbing, begging for attention, but he was determined to make this last. He couldn't help moaning in anticipation as much as pleasure, groan stuttered when Riku dragged his lower lip as he parted from the kiss. Legs pressed in on either side of Riku just to do _something_ , to touch him more.

He needed _more_.

Riku stretched him a little faster with two than he had with one, and brushed the third against him as though asking permission. Sora nuzzled him clumsily.

“Do it...”

Slight discomfort was eclipsed by how badly he _wanted_ this. Sora's lips were captured again, muffling his impressive volume and giving him something else to pour his energy into. He took everything he could from Riku's kiss – suddenly, Sora felt all the time he had to make up for, as real and physical as Riku's free hand drifting adoringly over his body.

Kisses began to miss each other's lips when Riku worked him open with more intention, but Sora didn't mind. He kissed over his jaw, intrigued by every loud and stuttered exhale that left Riku's lips.

“You feel like you could take more... But I wanna be thorough, can't rush it...”

Dizzy with lust, Sora briefly rested his forehead into the crook of Riku's neck before kissing up to his ear. “I'm fine. I know what I can handle.”

“Should I...?”

“Nn, yeah...”

“Condom-...” Riku removed his fingers carefully, then went for the box. He'd nearly forgotten, and judging by the vaguely sheepish look on Sora's face, he had as well.

“Oh, yeah.”

“We should have thought ahead,” Riku snickered, clearing off his hands and opening the box. “Put it on before we even got started...”

“I got kind of excited, I guess,” Sora admitted.

“You weren't the only one.” Riku tore the condom wrapper carefully. Legs still spread, Sora snorted and sat up a little, giving Riku the opportunity to kiss him as he put the condom on.

“Mm...” Sora's expression had relaxed to one of bliss. Riku grinned, slicking himself again.

“Ready for me?”

“Completely,” Sora grinned back.

Moving over him, Riku kissed Sora firmly and guided himself inside. All the breath in Sora's body was expelled when he finally felt the pressure of being pushed into, and he kissed back that much harder for it.

Riku didn't think anything or anyone had ever been so warm. He buried his face against Sora's neck. “You're amazing...”

Shivering once, Sora tilted his head back and worked on catching his breath. He could feel Riku's against his throat, and it was all overwhelming, drawing a whimper from his lips.

“I won't move until you say... Okay?”

“Mm, 'kay,” Sora purred, draping his leg around his hip. Slowly, they both got their bearings back without losing stimulation – Riku nuzzled and kissed his throat, and Sora murmured his name dreamily. He adjusted to the fullness faster than the reality that _Riku_ was the one inside him, right now.

“Okay-... Can move now...”

Breathing in, Riku drew his hips slowly back to rock forward into him, and Sora reveled in the smooth drag inside of him. He wrapped Riku up in his legs, sounds matching Riku's and only breaking off for louder moans when he pressed against just the right spot. Riku's breath hitched whenever he was in deep, but he soon adjusted to the angle that kept his thrusts against that spot as much as possible.

Sora was bucking into him and exhaling Riku's name like it was all he needed.

This was all _Riku_ needed.

Mewling when Riku began to move faster, Sora's legs started to shake and he urged, “Okay, you can keep touching now -”

Immediately, Riku replaced his hand on Sora's cock and stroked with every thrust into him. His moans were sharper under the dual sensations, and Sora knew he wouldn't last long like this. The difference was dramatic enough to hit Riku pretty hard, though, and the heat between them became heavier.

“Fuck -”

He didn't know how long he could last, but Riku never wanted this to end. He wanted this to go on forever, and then to die when it couldn't go on any longer. This was heaven – this was _everything_.

Sora couldn't seem to keep still, feeling how he'd affected Riku as his strokes picked up, falling out of sync with himself. He didn't think he could take much more – he _couldn't_ take it anymore, and Sora's head dropped back with a cry.

He'd gotten so _tight_. Riku's breath left him all at once. “ _Sora_ -”

Twitching helplessly, Sora spilled over Riku's hand and breathed in short bursts, flushed and flustered by his own ecstasy.

Riku was only clear-headed enough to watch him, and to hope that this image was one of the last things he thought of.

With only a few more thrusts, he came with a low moan, tension leaving his body in a wonderful rush. He slowed and slipped out of him gently, weightless and exhausted, and wrapped around Sora as his legs slid back to the bed, as limp as though they had become rubber.

Gently, Riku kissed him. Leaden arms dragged up to hold him, Sora smiling lazily as he returned the kiss. They broke it to breathe, slow and deep.

“... Wow...”

Sora rested his head on Riku's shoulder. “That's what I was gonna say.”

Riku laughed quietly. “Then we're on the same page.”

“So... Are you tired and starving, too?”

“As a matter of fact... Yeah.”

Laughing, Sora shifted to look up at him. “So, do we eat or sleep first?”

“Mm... I do have to get up to clean us up anyway.”

“Good point,” Sora grinned.

“Really late dinner, then. S'on me.” Riku got up slowly and stretched.

“Thanks,” Sora rolled onto his side, watching Riku unabashedly. “I'm guessing you can afford it.”

“Oh, yeah.” Riku had been burning through money fast, and he was only too willing to spend it on Sora. He discarded the condom and grabbed a towel to offer him, which Sora took and gave himself a quick rub over with it.

Going over to the bathroom to wash his hands and wipe anything else off him, he called back, “What's still open?”

“Some stuff. Oh – there's one place you definitely need to try,” Sora declared.

“I trust your judgment, then.” Riku came back to retrieve his clothes, grabbing Sora's on the way back to the bed.

Unable to quite spring out of bed in his state, Sora rolled to the edge and grinned. “Oh, hey. Thanks!”

“No problem.” Pulling on his jeans, Riku gave him a quick scan and turned away to hide his flush. Silly, really, that he felt embarrassed to look at Sora's nudity when they'd just slept together, but...

With the expertise of someone frequently unwilling to get out of bed, Sora dressed himself while still lying down and stood up only with Riku's help. With the keycard back in Riku's wallet and his ever-lighter wallet back in his pocket, they left the hotel to have their late dinner at a twenty-four hour diner, which turned out to have the best paopu pie on the Islands.

  


* * *

  


Riku roused late in the morning. His old sleeping patterns were completely shot, now that there was nothing to wake up for – it used to be that he was up at dawn, going on his morning run and taking in the pale light of a new morning, preparing for a productive day.

Not so much, anymore.

He was kind of occupying only one side of the bed, and he needed a moment to remember why. With a bit more alertness, he registered that Sora wasn't beside him and he sat up, indignation prickling at him until he looked at the clock.

It was past eleven. No wonder Sora left; he probably had things to do.

Calming, Riku stretched and got up out of bed, mindlessly starting to remake the neat covers. He didn't regret anything about last night; his death didn't feel quite so abrupt, now, with one great night behind him. Sora and Kairi might assume he'd simply moved on, if news didn't spread, which he hoped it didn't.

Even if it did, though, a single night wouldn't ruin Sora. His devastation wouldn't last... No one's would. Hopefully, he'd go on to cherish the memory of their night together.

Or... maybe he'd just forget about it. Riku kind of hoped he would, for Sora's sake, but the selfish part of him didn't want that. He wanted _someone_ to keep him in their memory, without disdain or indifference.

Out of consideration to the hotel staff, Riku had decided against any method that'd make too big of a mess. No guns, no slitting his arteries. He went to his luggage, removing a bottle from within – the lethal overdose had been determined ages in advance, on the nights he'd really been struggling with himself.

This was it. Riku steeled himself, and went to fill a glass with water to ease the swallowing. He took one from the desk and walked over to the bathroom.

It was strange, the volume of the rushing water until the tap was shut off, the little clicks when he unscrewed the cap. It felt like it was too quiet to be doing this.

Making a disturbance would be worse.

His focus was broken by the sound of the lock beeping and his door opening, an upbeat song hummed by the intruder. Startled, Riku almost knocked the bottle over in his haste to put it aside.

Housekeeping – maybe it was housekeeping, despite the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door -

“Hey!” Sora greeted cheerfully when Riku opened the bathroom door, removing his shoes. “I borrowed your key.”

Floored, Riku's response was a little delayed. “Yeah-... Yeah. That's fine.”

“So, I was thinking... Breakfast?” Sora suggested. His big blue eyes were fixed on Riku, unsuspecting, unaware.

Riku should have died last night, had been about to die now, and Sora had no idea.

… What was another few hours.

“... Sure. Breakfast sounds good.”

“Cool,” Sora grinned. “'Cause I know I showed you the good _late night_ place, but the breakfast place is even better.”

Riku managed to grin. He was starting to recover from the idea that wasn't dead yet – if he was going to bother being alive, he couldn't think of a better use of his remaining time than spending it with Sora. “I'll put on a shirt and we can go.”

“Awesome. Do you have a spare, by the way? Mine's kinda sweaty now,” Sora wrinkled his nose.

That was why he'd left – to jog. Riku should've realized... Of course Sora wouldn't have just left.

Sora could have come back to find him dead, or dying.

“Sure,” Riku replied, rummaging through his luggage longer than he needed to, hiding how troubled he was now by his realization. “This wasn't a ploy to wear my clothes, was it?”

“No... But now that you said it, I wish I'd thought of that.”

Riku snorted.

Not today, then. Soon, he'd let himself die, but... not as long as there was a risk of Sora being the one to find him.

He could survive until then.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are so sorry for the massive delay on this chapter! School and life did some serious ass-kicking and ate up all our time, and with con season coming up, we're just as busy as ever.
> 
> But, we hope this chapter was worth the wait, and we hope to see any Anime North-goers at the con!

Sora seemed to have adopted a personal philosophy, which was that any moment not glued to Riku's side was a moment wasted. He was still under the impression that he would return home in time, as though Riku had any 'home' to go back to, and every available minute had to be spent together before he was gone. The frustration and the need to be alone had been sort of put aside, as there was no deterring Sora, so Riku had resigned himself to his company.

At least it was enjoyable company. Riku let himself fixate on Sora's hair, his lips, his legs, and it was easier to ignore all the _wrong_ in his head when he let himself obsess. Sora was like something intoxicating, a presence that dulled the razor's edge of despair. He didn't mind waiting a little longer to die.

The glow and smoke was visible from the town, and the source of both was their destination. Riku was pretty indifferent to the idea of going to the beach bonfire, but more time with Sora suited him just fine. They'd already spent all day touring the Islands and checking out sights both familiar and new, and now that night had fallen, it seemed fitting to do something to round the nostalgia off.

“This takes me back,” he remarked absently, a step behind Sora as he led the way over the old boardwalks and past treehouses. He'd used to play along them as a kid, thinking of them as his own private world.

Sora grinned, brilliant and oblivious as ever. He'd forgone his shirt a little while ago, just dressed in a pair of long shorts. “Right?”

“They've aged well. Everything looks pretty sturdy.”

“Well, to be honest, they've been repaired a few times,” Sora told him. “Especially after this _huge_ storm a few years ago...”

“Storm?” Riku repeated. How out of touch had he been all this time, not to have heard of a storm that big?

“Yeah, it was _crazy!_ I think it was a typhoon, or a hurricane...?” Sora trailed off briefly in thought, then dismissed it as unimportant. “Anyway, it tore up the beach front, and a couple beach houses, but mostly it just flooded everywhere.”

“Fuck,” Riku raised his eyebrows.

“It's okay. Everyone got together to fix things up. Me and Kairi even helped, even though we were like... fifteen? I think.”

Riku could envision it, the beach a zone of complete destruction, splintered boats and cracked trees. He imagined what it would have been like to live through such an event, what it would have been like to help with the clean up. It was odd to think of a disaster as something to miss out on, but Riku could envision it: challenging Sora to see who could collect more debris, rebuilding the boardwalks with the adults, organizing the job distribution with Kairi.

It was stupid, to feel like he lost an opportunity. It would have been terrible, dealing with all that... but at least he would have had a use.

“Bet Kairi was more productive than you,” Riku teased, trying not to think about all the things the Islands could have provided him, if only he'd gotten to stay.

“She-... We-...” Sora crossed his arms defensively. “I don't know, we had different jobs!”

With a soft laugh, Riku caught Sora's hand and drew him close enough to kiss, if he so desired. The troubled look melted off Sora's face.

“... Hey. Hi, there...”

“Hey,” Riku murmured, and connected their lips. He was pretty free with his affection now, just wanting to feel something.

Sora returned the kiss with an indistinct whimper, his breath stolen by every one of their kisses. Riku was slow to pull away, brushing his hands through his bushy hair.

Eyes closing briefly, Sora hummed. “I can't wait to see Kairi. She's so happy for us.”

Riku reddened faintly, feeling another pang of guilt. “Oh, really?”

“Of course I told her about yesterday. Er... that was okay, right?”

“I don't mind,” Riku confirmed. He wanted to think that it mattered in some sense or another, but it didn't actually seem to. So what if Kairi knew? She would have found out eventually, whether he was alive at the time or not.

Sora relaxed. “Come on, there's food down there that'll take you _way_ back!”

He kind of wanted to just take Sora back to his motel room and kiss him desperate, but Riku nodded anyway. “I'll follow your lead.”

Sora hurried their pace down the slope until their shoes were sinking in the sand, and Riku kept stride with an endeared half-smile on his face. No one would have thought that he was reflecting bitterly on how much he used to love things like this, as a kid.

Bonfires. Beaches. The sense of belonging. Everything had seemed so appealing, seemed to have a touch of magic about it that Riku was too young to understand, but now he knew it was naivete. Simple things for simpler minds, he guessed, which wasn't to say Sora was stupid for liking them. On the contrary, he thought Sora was probably wiser than he was, because he'd figured out how to enjoy life despite all the things about existing that bogged Riku down.

They made their way down to the beach, where there was music and dancing around the enormous flame flicking sparkling embers into the air. Kairi was not hard to find, as she was exuberantly waving at them with the hand not currently clasped around one belonging to a petite blonde girl. Riku didn't recognize the girl in the soft white dress, but he could hazard a guess as to who she was.

“There she is!” Sora pointed them out. “And she brought Namine!”

“Oh – her girlfriend?” Riku confirmed.

Sora nodded. “I guess she came down to meet you.”

“It's like I'm a celebrity...” Riku tried to make it sound like he was joking, but the reality was that it unnerved him.

“Nah, you're more like a _legend_.”

Guilt clenched at him again, but he covered it with a laugh. “I figured I wouldn't be a legend until after I died.”

He regretted that instantly.

“We don't have 'til then,” Sora replied lightly, and surged forward to throw his arms around Kairi's shoulders. Namine gave them enough space to hug, watching Sora and Riku with a shy smile. She'd only ever heard stories about him, and was likely a little intimidated to meet Riku at last.

Stock still, Riku's gut flipped several times over.

Sora let Kairi go once he'd squeezed her breathless, then hugged Namine more gently.

“Riku?” Kairi wheezed.

“Hey.” Feeling obligated, he gave her a hug as well. She clung to him for the brief moment they were embracing.

“I'm so glad you were able to be here,” Kairi expressed. “I didn't know if you'd be around tonight, or I would've invited you earlier.”

“I wasn't sure I'd be here,” Riku answered honestly, and dimly wished that he wasn't. As much as he'd enjoyed the day, the discomfort of knowing his real intentions was difficult to manage.

“It's good to see you,” Namine greeted Sora, releasing him from the hug.

“You, too. Want to meet my boyfriend?” Sora put obvious pleasure into the words, and Namine smiled brighter.

“This is Riku, isn't it?” She turned his way.

“Yep,” Sora confirmed proudly.

“It's very nice to meet you. I've heard a lot of stories,” Namine extended a hand to shake.

Riku was faintly flustered again, unsure how to feel. “Uh... Thank you...”

“I think we're embarrassing him,” Kairi mock-whispered.

Sora grinned devilishly. “I _guess_ there's more important things to do than that.”

Namine covered her mouth as she laughed.

The warm firelight hid how pale Riku had gone. It hadn't really hit him until that moment how much impact his death would have, now. Namine might feel robbed of the opportunity to know him, though why she'd want to was beyond him. Kairi would never forgive herself for not seeing the signs in time. Sora...

Sora would never understand, and never stop wondering why.

“I appreciate it,” Riku heard himself say, contributing to the conversation while forgetting entirely what it was about.

“I know Namine's been eyeing the dancers,” Kairi teased.

“You know why...!”

Kairi feigned ignorance. “You could just ask me.”

“Why do you delight in embarrassing me, too?” Namine squeezed her hand. Sora's face screwed up in the effort not to snort.

“Alright, fine,” Kairi grinned, pulling her hands gently. “I want to. Dance with me?”

With a soft giggle, Namine nodded and allowed Kairi to guide her towards the ring of dancers. Riku paid none of it any attention, hearing everything as though he was on the other side of a thick glass wall. He was panicking, realizing that he'd trapped himself.

He hadn't meant to reunite with anyone and become a fixture in their lives again. That had been the furthest thing from what he'd wanted to do. Coming back was just supposed to be... symmetrical, a comforting bath of nostalgia to drown in before cutting his arms from wrist to elbow. He hadn't even planned on leaving a suicide note.

He'd have to leave one now, wouldn't he? What would he even say...?

Sora watched Kairi and Namine go, then turned his glowing smile on Riku. “Hey, come with me,” he prompted, tugging him away from the fire and towards the darkened part of the beach.

Automatically, Riku let Sora pull him along. “Where are we -?”

“You've got to help me look for something to throw on the bonfire,” Sora explained. “All the good stuff nearby will be taken already.”

An old island tradition. “Oh – yeah, makes sense.”

“I know we can find the best stuff if you're helping me,” Sora declared, and Riku managed a little smile through his churning anxiety.

“That's true. I seem to remember being _way_ better at finding things than you were.”

Sora laughed. “Maybe a bit.”

“Or a lot. Found you, didn't I?”

Sora pushed him slightly. “I wasn't hiding.”

“Guess you weren't,” Riku replied, having more trouble maintaining his grin until Sora grabbed his arm, swinging Riku around to face him. He brought his smile back hastily.

“I know I've been giving you a hard time,” Sora admitted. “But it's just 'cause I missed you.”

Riku swallowed. “... I know.”

Then Sora's lips were on his, and Riku convulsively grabbed his hips and kissed back. Despite being the one to initiate the abrupt contact, Sora happily followed Riku's lead, wrapping around his neck to pull them closer together.

The more Riku immersed himself in this, the more he could stop thinking.

Sora made a noise like a moan, one of sheer contentment, and Riku brought their hips flush together in response. Still somewhat overeager at any possibility of intimacy, Sora let himself get caught up in the heat and melted against Riku. He was massaging Sora's hips with small circles, nipping his lower lip in a gentle tease.

“ _Mm_...” Sora's exhale was a little desperate.

Starting to grin sincerely, Riku broke the kiss. Sora panted quietly, flush masked by the darkness.

Looking over his shoulder, Riku spoke as though he hadn't been suggesting sex without words. “Think I see a dried-out coconut husk,” he murmured. “Want to bring it to the fire? Might burn well.”

“Okay...” Sora replied dreamily.

Riku snagged a quick grope before he went to get it, and Sora stared after him open-mouthed.

If life were nothing but these moments, Riku thought, it would be easier to bear. Moments like the one right before he smiled, when he couldn't quite resist the upturn of his lips just because something was nice, something defied expectations. Moments like the one right after surprising Sora, when he still felt good about what he'd just done. Moments that were fresh – not like a new wound, but like a new beginning.

But reality always came back. There was no starting over from square one.

Riku picked up the coconut husk, the roughness of the shell reminding him of that fact when it scratched his palms. 'Moments' became the passage of time, and time could only ever go one way.

“This has been drying out for a while,” Riku remarked, coming back.

Sora had been in a bit of a daze, but snapped out of it when Riku spoke. “Awesome, it'll go up like a fireball!”

Riku smirked, amused by his delight and relieved that he was distracted. He had to stop using sex – using _Sora_ – to escape the thoughts in his head. That was at least part of what had gotten him into this situation in the first place...

“'Kay, now we find one for you,” Sora said.

“We find one for _you,_ ” Riku corrected.

“Bu-...” he trailed off with a sound of playful outrage. Riku took one of Sora's hands with a grin.

“C'mon.”

In defiance, Sora ran on ahead, breaking Riku's grip on his hand. With a roll of his eyes, Riku chased after him.

Sora stopped under a palm tree, some of its leaves hanging limp and brown. “Hey, that'd work!”

Riku came to a halt and looked up. “Are you gonna climb up there?”

It seemed unlikely... and dangerous. There wasn't much to cling onto, on a palm tree.

“Yeah, no problem,” Sora declared. He wrapped his arms high around the trunk and hoisted himself, his legs squeezing at the sides of the thick trunk to cling on as well. Riku raised his eyebrows as Sora shimmied up the tree with startling ease, and he wound up grinning faintly again.

He wondered if he'd be able to do that, if he'd stayed on the islands.

Sora clung to the tree with all but his right hand, which he extended to bend and twist at the leaf until it snapped at the stem.

“If you drop it, you can climb down easier,” Riku called to him.

“No way, this one's mine.”

“I won't _take_ it.”

Sora pretended to consider that. “Nah, not buying it.”

“If you break something on the way down, don't say I didn't offer.”

“You could always catch me.”

“And _be_ broken instead?”

“Yep. Heads up!” Sora released the hold his feet had on the trunk and slid down the trunk like a firefighter on a pole, the leaf in his hand the whole time.

Riku whistled. “Not a scratch.”

“And you doubted me,” Sora beamed.

“Guess there's nothing for me to kiss better,” Riku remarked, prompting Sora right back against the tree. Sora's eyes went a bit wide, his grasp on flirting still tenuous at best.

“Do you need to have one?”

Riku was already leaning in. “Nope.”

Their lips met and the leaf fell out of Sora's hand. He pulled Riku's hips against him, effectively pinning himself to the tree.

Hands were already roaming, lips parting, breath catching. Riku just wanted to do this until he stopped existing.

His palm pressed against Sora's ass and he breathed out, glancing down at Sora's reddened lips as he pulled back with a shaky inhale.

“Back to the bonfire?” Riku suggested. He couldn't just escape reality, as badly as he wanted to.

“But-... you just-...” Sora looked flabbergasted.

Maybe reality could wait.

“Or do you want to stay _here_ for a while?”

“I don't know-... I want both?” Sora said, conflict evident in the pitch of his voice.

Riku moved down onto one knee. “We could be quick.”

“Are you sure?” Sora sounded winded. “We're not that far from the light...”

With a smirk, Riku unzipped his fly. “You only live once.”

Sora laughed. “I guess.”

To be honest, knowing that someone might catch a glimpse of them was kind of exciting. What did Riku care if people talked or judged? He wouldn't be around for too much longer, anyway.

Riku wound a hand around Sora's cock, which twitched in interest as he began to stroke lightly. He was far more interested in working him over with his mouth rather than fondling, though, and Riku started trailing heady kisses down the shaft.

Sora shivered, arms reaching back to wrap around the tree.

It didn't take very much to get Sora hard, and Riku took him into his mouth with an eager hum. When Sora moaned, he massaged the crown with his tongue.

“ _Ngh_... You're sort of... really good...”

 _This_ was good, this was easy and distracting. Riku was a little high on how much control he had over Sora right now, how much he wanted this. Every slight shift made Sora tense or squirm or whimper, and it was addictive. Riku reached up to knead his ass, coaxing his hips forward.

“Mn...” Sora let go of the tree and buried his fingers in Riku's hair. Riku only broke away to inhale, then swallowed him deeper and sucked harder.

The keening sound Sora tried to bite down on was almost as rewarding as an orgasm all on its own. If he could get Sora to break that thread of self-control – god, he was excited by the prospect of someone hearing so long as he could just _not care_.

Maybe that was why he groaned louder than he normally would have, when Sora's thumbs rubbed little circles into his temples. That felt _really_ nice.

“Ah...”

There was a dull thunk; Sora's head had dropped back and hit the tree. Riku paused, concern sparked.

“Okay?” he panted.

“Mm-hm,” Sora nodded quickly, sounding a little strained.

“Good...” Riku moved in again, flicking his tongue over the head.

“More...?”

He wouldn't deny Sora. Couldn't, when he sounded like that. Riku's lips enveloped his cock.

Giving up control over his volume entirely, Sora pulled at Riku's hair just enough to angle his chin up. He was met with a look that made his insides reach a boiling point, a mixture of smug satisfaction and lust. Riku sucked harder.

“Oh my god, _Riku..._ ”

Trying to coax it out of him, Riku swallowed to the hilt with every motion until he could just _tell_. Sora was at the breaking point, and Riku wanted to see it happen. He pulled back, stroking him fast and murmuring, “C'mon, Sora...”

“Yeah-... Ah!” Sora's knees gave out and he sank against the tree, practically vibrating as his climax overwhelmed him. Riku caught the streaks of white on his tongue and spat into the sand, wiping the back of his hand across his face.

He was kind of pleased with himself. He wondered if anyone had noticed.

Sora's hands fell limply to his sides. He tried to say something, but it only came out as gibberish.

Getting up carefully, Riku wiped his hand against the tree for lack of anything else. “You good...?”

“ _Mmn_.”

“Sounds like you're good,” Riku teased. He felt pretty good, himself – less vacant, a little warmer, a bit more _something_.

“My legs are noodles,” Sora informed him distantly.

Riku rested his forehead against Sora's and started to laugh. With a snort, Sora joined in.

Why couldn't he always feel like this?

“You're-...”

Sora nuzzled his nose against Riku's. “Mm?”

“... You're the best thing that could've happened to me, coming back here,” Riku said. Lust had fallen to the wayside to make room for affection and gratitude. He wanted to thank Sora, but didn't think he'd understand why.

He smiled. “'Cause I'm the best.”

“You are,” Riku honestly agreed.

Sora kissed him lightly. “D'you think anyone saw us?”

“If they did, they know they should be jealous.” Riku grinned as Sora laughed. “Should we go back?”

“You might have to carry me. You know,” Sora pointed to his legs, “noodles.”

Riku snorted. “You want a piggyback?”

“Yes.” Sora didn't even blink, much less hesitate. Rolling his eyes, Riku picked up their bonfire fodder and turned to let him up onto his back.

It was unfortunate that the light feeling was so fleeting. It began to dwindle on the way back as soon as the thought popped into his head that this happiness was temporary, and dread crept in as he wondered if he could match the perky precedent he'd set for his behavior.

Sora melted off his back once they were back among people, aiming a huge smile at Namine and Kairi across the beach. Riku tried to emulate it, but it felt like he'd molded the smile onto his face out of plastic.

“Did you find anything interesting?” Namine inquired when they came close.

Riku wanted to hurl the coconut husk straight into the fire just to be done with it, rather than to see it go up in flames.

“Yeah!” Sora said. “Check it out!”

He grabbed the long brittle leaf and dangled it over the flame like he was trying to roast a marshmallow on the end. He’d underestimated how quickly the dried plant would catch, though, and within a moment had flames leaping up the stalk halfway to his outstretched hand. With a shout of alarm, Sora leapt back, flinging what remained of the leaf onto the fire, earning uproarious laughter from nearby islanders.

Taking a heartbeat to recover, Sora joined in the laughter, turning to Riku. “You should do it.”

“Think so?” Riku tossed the husk up once.

“Try to get it right in the middle of the wood, it'll go up faster.”

“Sure.” Riku wanted to impress Sora, but also... didn't care, suddenly. He was too aware of the girls' eyes on him, too aware of how tiring being around people was. He approached the bonfire and threw it overhand.

Sora cheered when it caught and burned, but Riku's lingering high had been snuffed with that simple action. He bitterly wished that he'd missed or screwed up such a simple thing, somehow.

No... What he wanted was to be alone, now.

Sora was still laughing when he turned to face Riku, his smile fading at the serious look in his eyes. Rather than ask, though, he decided to try to keep things light and queried, “You hungry, Riku?”

“Hm? Nah.” If anything, the thought of food was kind of repulsive.

“Okay. We could go dance?” Sora laughed. “I want to see if you can still stay on your feet in the sand.”

“Uh...” He wasn't in the mood to be humiliated, and he was sure he would be if they danced. “Maybe... not right now. I think I might check out the ocean. It's been a while since I've just... looked at it.”

“Cool, we can go up to our old spot.”

“Sounds good,” Riku lied. He'd wanted to go alone.

Bidding farewell to Kairi and Namine, Sora followed Riku over to the shoreline, letting his feet drag in the water with a small smile.

The ocean brushed his toes, lapped at his heels, and Riku wondered what it would be like to sink. Maybe he should reconsider his suicide – not reconsider _doing_ it, but the method.

Maybe he should just drug himself and drown. Let his body just be... washed away.

“You've got something on your mind, huh?”

Sora's intrusion on his thoughts was even less welcome after their warm tryst. “... Guess so. Nothing important.”

“Know what I was thinking about?”

Riku resisted answering 'obviously not'. “No. What?”

“When we used to have races here for who would get to date Kairi.”

He snorted. “Wow, that was so long ago...”

“Yeah,” Sora grinned. “Turns out winning a race isn't exactly a requirement for her to like you.”

Darkly, Riku thought it wasn't the same where Sora was concerned. He wondered if he'd be so keen on him if Riku wasn't 'perfect'. “Guess not.”

Sora hummed. “Who'd have thought things would turn out like this?”

“... I definitely didn't...”

Sora's smile was bright enough to light up the beach, and it made Riku wish he was dead already. He didn't want to cope with knowing that Sora would miss him.

He had to do it soon. Sooner than later, or not at all. The longer he was around, the more attached Sora would get... and he just couldn't do that to him. Not if he wanted Sora to get over it, to move on, to be happy.

He'd do it tomorrow. Really, this time. He'd do it before he could make things worse.

 

* * *

 

His 'departure' was sudden. Too abrupt for a goodbye, apart from a call with many stammered apologies and assurances that he'd try to visit soon. Riku had a bad feeling that Sora had already started to assume they'd be together again forever, and it strengthened his resolve all the more. He was sure this was the right thing.

It was the _only_ thing he could do.

Everything he owned was back at the motel room, and Riku wondered absently what would be done with it when he was gone. He'd gone to the highest peak of the island he could safely go without a bunch of people to stop him. The shore seemed emptier with all the ferries to the mainland long gone, and that was how he'd hoped it'd be.

This was it. It was going to be painful, and frantic, and fearful. Drowning felt right when he'd decided this was how he'd do it, but -

But he was already afraid, and balking.

Riku was thinking too much. He'd almost started looking down the coast, telling himself that he was looking for witnesses 'just in case', but why? No one was close by. No one would stop him.

That was how he wanted it, and there was no more time to think. Riku dropped the water bottle he'd bought from the corner store, half-emptied by one long swig, and the pocketful of sleeping pills he'd consumed wouldn't take too long to affect him.

He threw himself over the edge.

It was hard, fighting his reflex to swim. He was counting on his own struggle to exhaust him if the pills didn't do it first.

He inhaled water sooner than he expected.

Riku's legs kicked because they _had_ to, but the ocean was stronger than a man who wasn't really trying. The waves bowled him over and pushed him down, and his chest burst with pain but it wasn't so bad, Riku had expected worse.

He'd expected dying to be much worse.

His vision was starting to go gray.

Riku had started to go numb from the explosive pain, and didn't feel the hand on his arm. He wasn't thinking, too disoriented to think, but if he could've he'd have been surprised that his chest could hurt even more. Air struggling to get into his lungs wracked him horribly.

Someone called his name. It might have been his name. Riku's head was spinning. His body was shutting down.

Thank god, the dying part was finally happening. The pain would be over soon.

The world hadn't stopped spinning, but something was pounding his chest, forcing the water out of his lungs. Riku wheezed, coughed hard, spat up copious amounts of salt water in the sand.

He was so dizzy.

There was a voice, frantic with panic, and it was saying his name.

“Riku...?”

Consciousness was a struggle that he wanted to lose. Riku was still coughing, aching everywhere, face unpleasantly streaked with tears.

“W-we have to get you somewhere. Somewhere safe...”

Someone was trying to help him up. They had surprisingly strong arms.

“... Sora?” Riku choked.

“Uh-huh. I've got you.”

Sora.

“Why...?” Croaky and nauseous from the vertigo, Riku couldn't manage any other words.

“I-I don't know what happened – you fell in the water and I've been walking around here all morning and I heard the splash and I jumped in but I didn't know it was you and I don't understand what's going on. D'you think you can stand up?”

“Ngh...” Riku could not stand. He couldn't feel his own body. He could feel pain and sickness and nothing else. “Motel...”

“You need to see a doctor.”

“ _No_ ,” he refused instantly. A doctor would know – a doctor would try to fix him, and he didn't want that, he didn't want to pretend his was _fixable_ -

“Riku, you look _awful_.”

Riku thought he might have tried to protest some more. It was hard to tell. His vision was blurring, blackening, and Sora begged him to stay awake but he couldn't comply.

His eyes slid closed, and he prayed there would be no tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

Weeks passed.

It took almost seven days for the doctors to be satisfied with his physical condition, after which he was transferred to the psychiatric ward for observation and counseling. There was no definite date given for his release, and the hospital quickly became on par with a prison. Riku gave up on trying to leave after they threatened to call security, and lost track of the days. People – volunteers with familiar faces – sat across from his bed and watched him day and night, observing him in case he did something more deadly than sleep.

He wasn't adapting well to hospital life, according to the staff. He wasn't interested in the arts and crafts, the socializing, the cheap meals. There wasn't much opportunity to shower, and Riku couldn't remember the last time he'd done so. His hair was lank and he felt grimy, that much worse off for it.

Therapy sessions were dull. More often than not, he spent them nodding along to whatever the psychiatrist said and saying words he couldn't remember, dissociating his way through the conversations. At first, they were a nice change from the boredom, but they became just another part of the monotony after a while.

Worst of all, though, was being trapped with nothing to do but think.

Going through the motions was enough to convince the nurses that he was ready for visitors, and they were likely tired of seeing the same boy sitting in the waiting room day after day. On this one, Sora was without Kairi or Namine, compulsively bouncing his leg while the nurse went to ask Riku if he was willing to see a visitor.

Riku agreed just because it was something _different_. He realized too late what seeing Sora would even mean.

There were shadows under Sora's eyes. His tanned skin had a strange pallor, like he wasn't feeling well. Still, he had a gentle smile on his face when he saw Riku, which left him at a complete loss.

What did someone say, in this situation?

What could anyone say?

“... You're... the one who pulled me out?” Riku mumbled.

Sora nodded. “The, um, the doctors said you took a lot of sleeping pills, and when I talked to Namine on the phone she said-... She-...”

It seemed that Sora was unable to finish the thought. Dully, Riku supplied, “Did she say I was trying to kill myself?”

“... Yeah.”

“She was right.”

Sora dropped his head forward. “I know...”

“... Then why are you here?”

Taken aback, Sora lifted his head again. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“Aren't you angry?” Riku asked numbly.

Sora’s fists clenched. “I don't know what I am. All I know is I haven't stopped being scared since that day. Scared, and confused.”

“What's there to be confused about?”

Sora's composure started to break as hurt flooded his insides again. “I-I don't understand how all those things happened between us, not if you were thinking those terrible thoughts the whole time... I don't understand what I missed... What should I have seen? What should I have done, Riku?”

He'd teared up, and Riku was jarred to see that he looked exactly the same as when he'd try not to cry as a child. Red-faced, sniffling to keep his nose from running, eyes big and shining. Riku's chest hurt from the breath he was holding.

“Nothing. You did-... you are...” Riku sighed. “You don't know me, anymore. It's been years. And even if I'd come back years ago, I'm a good liar.”

Sora ran the back of his arm across his face. “If that's true... why did you-...” He swallowed the angry question. “After everything we did, and you didn't say a word... Did you think I'm too stupid to understand?”

“... No.” Riku lowered his voice and his eyes. “I just wanted to be... happy, I guess. Or something like it. At the end.”

“But it didn't change anything...”

“It wasn't _supposed_ to. You-...” Riku lifted a hand and buried it in his hair, almost cringing at the stringy feel of the strands. “I came here because the islands were the last place I ever remembered being happy. You were a part of that, you still are. But, no matter how good things were – it was temporary, you know? It was... a moment. A good moment. I'm not explaining this right...”

“I don't get it,” Sora frowned. “If even just a little bit of happiness still doesn't make life worth living, why try to be happy at all?”

Riku thought about his answer. He found that he didn't really have one.

“Because I had to. I just-... I had to.”

Sora looked away. “I understand more than you think. I know happiness isn't as easy as just deciding to be happy.”

“That isn't the point, anyway,” Riku said. “Being happy for however long, it's still just meaningless. Good things might happen – _you_ happened – but bad things will happen too, and trying to prepare for the future is... exhausting. How are you _not_ just... tired of life?”

He hesitated, not prepared for the question. “... I guess because I don't try to prepare for everything in the future.”

“And that doesn't scare you?”

Sora shrugged. “I guess sometimes it does... But I don't see the point of thinking of things besides what makes you happy or sad or scared today. If you feel good but all you think about is when it'll disappear... or if you're struggling and just wonder when you'll be happy again... How can you enjoy anything if you're thinking about how things will be a minute from now and not right now?”

Riku was silent, tilting his head back against the thin pillow. Sora took a slow breath when he didn't respond.

“It's not about being happy all the time... Even I couldn't do that.” Sora exhaled shakily. “You know, I never told anyone that before?”

“... I wouldn't have guessed it,” Riku quietly confessed.

“It's just... I don't get mad at myself for being unhappy sometimes.”

“I'm not mad at myself for being unhappy,” Riku denied, but wasn't sure that was true. “Just... how I cope with it. The stupid things I did that I can't take back.”

“What things?” Sora's eyes widened a bit.

Hesitant, Riku muttered, “Relationships I had, things I put up with, stuff I said. Nothing serious, just... things that made everything so much worse.”

He glanced at Sora as he approached Riku's bedside. Riku hated being seen like this, and felt irrationally self-conscious over the state of his hair.

Not the thing he was supposed to be focusing on, but intrusively bothersome. Like the thought that he'd used Sora, a common one to pop into his head in the last while.

“... Since you came to Destiny Islands, you must have known nothing you said or did before would matter here. If you wanted to, you could start over. You don't have to tell me or anyone what's haunting you like this.”

“... It's not so easy. I still don't want to exist.”

Sora sighed. “I still know you, Riku. If your mind's really set on this, I -” he sniffled. “I know I can't stop you. So please, j-just tell me if that's true, and I'll go away for good.”

He didn't know. Riku just didn't know anything, anymore. He couldn't respond honestly, he couldn't lie, he couldn't put his finger on how he felt in the first place.

Well... There was one thing he felt.

“I don't want you to go.”

Sora's tears fell. “I don't want you to go, either.”

“... Then... what should I do?” Riku's eyes burned. Sora leaned in and hugged him tight.

“Just stay. Live here on the Islands, forget about all that stuff in your past, and stop trying to predict the future.” Sora interrupted himself with a soft sob. “You don't have to be happy, I won't make you. Just try to see that there are reasons to live all around you. And I'll be there... by your side, every day. That's a promise.”

Slowly, Riku's arms wrapped around Sora, too.

He'd never forget the past; trying would be futile, and some masochistic part of him was afraid to forget. It was like forgetting the bad times would put him in that situation again; 'those who failed to learn from history are doomed to repeat it'. Sora would never treat him the way some of his past lovers did, but that didn't mean he shouldn't be alert.

And, along the same vein, being vigilant for the future seemed unavoidable, too. He'd always fear future misery, losing what he had and having to live with another hole in his heart.

But...

Staying didn't sound so bad, and that was something.

Maybe, in terms of the future... he could try to limit himself to tomorrow. He'd look ahead as far as tomorrow, and maybe that would be the day he'd lose everything. Maybe that would be the day he'd follow through on his desire to die.

But also, maybe not. Maybe if he lived like there was nothing beyond tomorrow, he could get through the day. That's all he needed to do; get through the day, one day at a time.

“... Okay.”

Sora hiccuped. “Riku...”

“Okay,” Riku murmured, letting tears fall quietly. “Okay.”

Unable to say more than his name, Sora dissolved into loud, hitching sobs, and they held each other tighter.

 

* * *

 

Retrieving his things turned out to be a difficult endeavor, and struggling with something so simple was the last thing Riku needed. But he did it.

One thing at a time.

He stayed with Sora while he looked for an apartment on the Islands. His old lease had expired, and there was no reason to go all the way back 'home'. He wouldn't miss anything there.

Finding a place to live was stressful. Price ranges, quality of life, amenities – they were all things he had to take into account, and trying to plan for the future was contrary to his new attempted philosophy. Riku exhausted easily, and could only muster the will to be responsible in short bursts. But he did it.

One thing at a time.

Sora was by his side, and he would've said that he was all the support network he needed, if someone asked. Riku had more than just Sora, though. Kairi was there, just down the road or a text away, and Namine was proving to be a very good listener with a sympathetic ear. There were times when he needed to be alone, couldn't cope with being around anyone, and they did their best to accommodate.

He felt horribly guilty when Sora felt he had to leave his own house just to give Riku space, even though he insisted that he didn't mind. The guilt slowly began to outweigh the desire for solitude, and it was hard, learning to be alone while still in Sora's space. But he did it.

One thing at a time.

He just kept living like there was no tomorrow, and that felt okay.

 


End file.
